You will imagine, correctly, that I have many emotions regarding S1E5 of A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms.
Pour one out for a real one.
My full recap will come, but my immediate reaction was a melding together of the dominant pop culture narratives of the past week: the sexfulness of Baelor “Breakspear” Targaryen, and the release of my fellow Queenslanders’ EngLit film Wuthering Heights.
Sometimes the only way out is through… parody song.
So get your red frocks on, folks. It’s time to go full Melisandre on this bitch.
Out on the foggy tourney field
Where mud obscures the green
You were so noble up on your horsey
Too hot to ride me
How could you leave me
When I needed to undress you?
I hated you, no that’s not true
Bad dreams in the night
I fell hard when you said you’d do what’s right
Hoped that you would weather this, weather this
Weather this fight
Breakspear, it’s me, Natalie
I’m a-lone, so cold
Don’t take off your helm- oh!
Breakspear, it's me, Natalie
You’ve been pwned, so boned
Underneath your helm- oh!
Ooh, you’re so dark, for a Dragon
Blondies either side of you
Not here to mock, been on BookTok
I’d OnlyFans you
You’ve gotta help Dunk, cool Breakspear
My one dream, avoid disaster
Egg found some friends in the night
Let seven gods decide who is wrong or right
All you need is to weather this, weather this,
Weather this fight
Breakspear, it’s me, Natalie
I just moaned, own goaled
Brother smashed in your helm-oh!
Breakspear, it's me, Natalie
My mouth foamed, got rolled
Morningstar on your helm-oh!
Ooh, why’d George have to
Why’d he grab your soul away
Ooh, why’d I trust you,
Made me lust my soul away
You know, you dweeb, Natalie
Breakspear, it's me, Natalie
It is known, been trolled
Brain spilled out of your helm-oh!
Breakspear, it’s me, Natalie
That’s the end, I’m told
Won’t get up with that helm-oh!
Breakspear, it’s me, Natalie
Hand is gone, I fold