Beloved kittens - be warned - here be spoilers!
In the last recap I raved about Dunk’s careful oversight of Egg’s sewing attempts during their crafternoon being the sexiest moment of this show.
That record lasted less than a week, thanks to this episode dropping early to get ahead of the American Super Bowl.
Not only did Dunk fight off tears and fears to hold the Westerosi noble houses to blistering account, but Supreme Salt and Pepper Fox Baelor Targaryen went one further and revealed himself to be Dunk’s guardian battle angel.
Ooh, did you hear that? That was the sound of every heterosexual woman watching - and possibly even a few of our Sapphic sisters - experiencing spontaneous climax.
If you didn’t hear that united shuddering of physical satisfaction, it’s possibly because the show was also pumping out the pure aural pleasure of the Game of Thrones theme.
That languid ¾ time, that slow and beautiful waltz, rising to meet the significance of the moment, building anticipation of hope for Dunk - hell, hope for all of us - for the first time in a long time.
I went weak at the knees while simultaneously peaking in the lungs. As the kids say: screaming, crying, throwing up.
By the gods, men, when you do the right thing you are MAGNIFICENT.
The irony is there will be incel nutbags out there watching this show and moments like these, and not learning the right lesson. They think all women want is strong men, or worse, that all we want are heroic demonstrations of violence.
It’s not the fighting, guys. It’s not even the threat of fighting.
It’s the understanding you could get beaten up, and doing the right thing anyway.
The thing about chivalry is it’s a code. There are rules. It ain’t a perfect world, and honour has to be codified, to ensure even humans of the worst behaviour pay lip service to it.
We get the sense in this episode that perhaps Ser Duncan the Tall didn’t learn everything about honour from his beloved(?) mentor Ser Arlan of Pennytree.
We get the sense that Dunk’s honour is something intrinsic to him.
THAT’S what sexiest about Dunk and Baelor and anybody you care to name, male or female, who attaches themself to an honour system not because they need its guardrails but because to them there is no other way to live.
In a world where - as certain US chiefs of staff put it - the world is ruled by power, it’s mightily refreshing to see people being governed by their no-bullshit, no self-aggrandising, no praise-me-milady sense of doing what’s right.
S1E4: Seven
A slick wet rat is all Dunk has for company as the episode opens.
We can’t know Dunk’s inner monologue, but safe to say “well, f***” is probably an accurate summation.
He manages some harrumphing, however, when Egg turns up for a mea culpa.
Out of his murky green tunic and into sleek Targaren black-and-red, Egg is clearly at home bossing around the guards.
But once they leave he is all meekness and apology. He really didn’t mean to lie; he just wanted to be someone’s squire.
Tears pool in Egg’s eyes as he says he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong, much to Dunk’s disgust. Of course you bloody knew, he rages, that’s why you lied!
Oh, Dunk, don’t be mean. Yes, Egg’s story is a bit… scrambled… but he’s a sweet kid.
It’s up to Baelor to find out the next steps, and Dunk isn’t going make him wait until he finishes his jailhouse snack.
Baelor’s flipping through an easy 4000-page read when Dunk and Egg turn up. He bids Egg pour Dunk a cup of ale, urging him not to spill it. Begrudgingly, Dunk defends Egg’s pouring skills, and that he is a good squire and meant no harm.
Baelor is not convinced by Egg’s excuse that there was no time to alert the big wigs when Aerion started aggressively reviewing amateur puppet shows. He’s also not impressed that Egg so openly wishes death on his brother.
“Aerion is your brother, and the Septons say we must love our brothers,” Baelor instructs with the air of someone who’s had to long-sigh about his own brother’s behaviour on more than one occasion.
Baelor dismisses Egg, and gets down to business with Dunk. He asks how good of a knight he is, explaining that Dunk’s predicament is on the rough end of “totally boned”, thanks to Egg’s eldest brother Daeron.
Daeron might be a drunk, but damn, he’s a fine-looking one.
They pronounce Daeron like “Dare-ron”, but spoken quickly it sounds more like “Darren”. I’ve got a mate called Darren, and my nickname for him has always been “Dazzler”, so if I accidentally use that you’ll know why.
Anyway, Dazzler lied his sozzled head off and accused Dunk of kidnapping Egg in order to get out of being punished for running away, which has added an extra level of complexity to the whole “smashing Aerion in his psycho face”.
Dunk is distressed that his act of honour don’t seem to count for nothin’ in this crazy world.
“Don’t all knights make the same oath? To protect the innocent?” he implores the Prince of Dragonstone.
It’s a call that gives Baelor pause for thought, which is quite the neat piece of foreshadowing.
There is another way, Baelor offers, but whether it’s better is debatable.
“And so I ask you again, Ser Duncan the Tall, how good a knight are you, truly?”
Ask me anything, Bae-by.
Oh, my friends, I know I spent the first three episodes jonesing for Dunk to joust, but that is going by the wayside now. Instead, we’re getting a…
TRIAL! BY! COMBAT!
Baelor can see the physical disparity between Dunk and Aerion, so it’s a pretty devious thing for him to tell Dunk to tick the trial by combat box. One gets the sense he wouldn’t mind his nephew getting a few more blows to the head.
But Aerion is a smart psycho nutbag, and realises he doesn’t stand a chance against the huge Hedge Knight it took four dudes to put down while unarmed in a drama tent. What’s going to happen when he gets some weapons?
When Daddy Meerkat tells him he can’t refuse, Aerion opts instead for a seldom-invoked protocol known as a “Trial by Seven”.
“WTF is that?” spits Daddy Meerkat.
Baelor kindly explains, while Dunk blinks mystified. “Must I fight seven men?!” he cries.
“Don’t be an idiot,” Aerion scoffs. “It’s seven against seven.”
Better odds, to be sure, but they’re forgetting one thing - Dunk’s a newbie to this Ren Fayre. He’s riding solo.
“Find some champions,” Baelor encourages, with the same gentle mentoring vibe he used to tell Dunk to get a fresh sigil.
OK, sure sure, maybe it’s not all bad news, maybe Dunk can rally some troops, spend a few days getting a plan together…
What’s that?
Dawn, you say?
Dunk cannot believe it. He really is totally boned.
The weather comes to Dunk’s pity party, with rain streaming down on both the camp grounds and Dunk’s unbelieving face.
When he finds his horses, he can think only of them - apologising for ballsing everything up (Dunk, sweetie, you didn’t) and his imminent death.
From behind the elm pops Everybody Loves Raymun, looking like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable in his raincoat.
The fact that the show lingers on a hard embrace between the pair was so bloody lovely. Dunk is so happy to see a friendly (human) face, he almost scoops Raymun up off the ground. To be fair - he’s also a lot larger. But Raymun doesn’t have time for Dunk’s nobility. “Are you hungry?” he asks. Dunk - who previously answered this question from Raymun with “always” - says no, so clearly there’s something very wrong.
But still, there’s more to sustenance than just food, so Dunk heads to the apple tent for some refreshment.
And GEE! And HEY! And WOW!
What a turnaround for Ser Steffon Fossey, sorry, Fossaway!
I’m SURE this guy is FOR REAL and won’t CATASTROPHICALLY UNDERMINE Dunk’s HEROIC EFFORTS to DEFEND HIMSELF.
In all seriousness, hindsight really is 20/20, because he sure pulled the wool over my eyes.
It’s a testament to the actor that Steffon’s seeming disgust at Aerion’s immorality, and solemn promise that Dunk will not die on his watch, read as genuine. Douchey and self-important, sure, but genuine. I mean, the line“I do not know why so oft tragedy follows after honourable men, but when I find myself without the answers, the answer is always more glory” is practically a gift card message.
It was only later in the episode, after Raymun counted Aerion’s numbers at only six, did my stomach flip into clarity. But more on that later.
Raymun is unsure Steffon will bring in the big names he promises, and suggests Dunk might be wise to run. Dunk ponders whether the gods are punishing him, not for doing what was right, but by stepping out of the social order.
He’s put all his eggs in the honour basket. Thankfully there’s a good Egg among them.
Contrary to Dunk’s earlier crankiness with his one-time sidekick, he’s genuinely pleased to see Egg - even more so when Egg declares he has stolen away from the castle to serve as Dunk’s squire.
He’s less impressed by the reveal of Daeron as Egg’s accomplice. He pins Dazzler to a table, holding a knife at his throat.
Daeron, full of sarcasm and self-loathing in equal measure, tries humour, but Dunk is unmoved, and there is good reason for his anger.
Sure, Daeron’s lie that he kidnapped Egg might get Dunk killed, but more devastatingly, it impuned Dunk’s honour. His meagre reputation is the only thing he has.
“Don’t hurt him!” Egg implores - a far cry from the “Kill him! Kill him!” he yelled as Aerion competed in the joust. It’s an immediate signal that Daeron, while flawed, isn’t evil. His baby bro is the best defence he has.
The pair explain Daeron will be fighting in the Trial by Seven, but plans to take the biggest dive since Jason Statham:
Daeron and Egg’s awkward silence after Dunk reveals Steffon is his only wingman so far is quietly hilarious.
Unable to sleep, and needing his shield, Dunk ventures into the drama tent, trashed and abandoned. He picks up a puppet head while remembering Tanselle’s voice crying “You are no knight! You are Florian the Fool!” and gets in his feelings. But there’s no sense to me that Dunk regrets what he did because he’s missed his chance at booty; more that it might have cost him the chance to get to know Tanselle more.
She and the travelling puppet show have upped sticks to Dorne, as we find out from Steely Pate, who handily discovers Dunk in the drama tent and bids him follow.
Dunk squeezes into the smith’s portable consultation caravan, and Steely P walks him through the custom rim job he’s installed.
Dunk can’t believe the quality craftsmanship, but is distraught by Tanselle’s beautiful imagery. Falling stars, sunset colours - it’s all reading death to him. In another gorgeous display of masculine solidarity, Steely P touches his shoulder, and points out the vibrant, summer leaves of the elm tree.
After telling Egg to dry his eyes in the prison cell, Dunk now can’t control his, especially when Steely Pate charges only one copper for his handiwork. The enormity of what is happening truly strikes Dunk here; but so too does discovering there are other good souls out there.
The mist budget for this episode must have been off the charts, because as the time of trial approaches, you can barely catch glimpses of pre-dawn activity, followed by the massing of the crowd.
Dunk appears in his padded battle jacket (a quick search describes it as a gambeson, but happy for the historical re-enactors to correct me here), and walks slowly into the arena to discover he has a full-on, honest-to-goodness-Taylor Swift-circa-1989-style SQUAD.
And what a gang!
There’s the knight who had his horse murdered and leg broken in the joust just the day before, strapped onto his horse, ready to El Cid his way to revenge.
There’s Mad-Eye Moody, mailed up and spouting some business about the Targaryens going against the gods. I didn’t quite understand his rationale, but hey, in this recap we stan an unpredictably violent mad bastard.
There’s another guy randomly standing around who I have absolutely no clue about.
And then there’s Lyonel Baratheon, resplendent in his yellow armour and positively purring at the chance to take part in the first Trial of Seven in centuries and beat up the Kingsguard in their “pretty white gowns”. Heh, I sassed the Kingsguard as Robot Disco Kings back in episode two; I’m so glad the Chuckling Tempest and I see eye to eye on this one.
Dunk thanks them all for coming, and for Ser Steffon for bringing them. “Who the hell is Ser Stev-ron?” asks a baffled Lyonel. “It was your boy who brought us.”
He points to Egg, his red Targaryen sash gone, practicing his sword and spear whooshing noises.
A horn heralds the arrival of the competition, and while impressive to look at, they’re not quite the solid crew you might initially expect.
First of all, we already know Daeron is going to get down and stay down as soon as Dunk can land him a heavy - but not too heavy - blow.
Aerion has his Dad on his side, but that’s more obligation and embarrassment. Daddy also had commanded the three Kingsguard to fight, which is a bit of a cheat really.
Still, Dunk and Raymun count the numbers and are flummoxed that there are only six. Maybe they have a chance after all?
And then… Ser Steffon Fossey, sorry, Fossaway can ABSOLUTELY GO AND EAT A BAG OF DICKS.
Seriously, he can get a handful of whatever Ser Arlan of Pennytree was packing and CHOKE ON IT FOR ALL TIME.
In fact, I’m going to retract the Fossey nickname. You, Ser, don’t DESERVE a nickname, and certainly not one redolent of useful, practical things. You are of no use to anyone.
Did you see Dunk’s face when he realised the bronze-clad Steffon had sold them out in return for a lordship granted by the Targaryens?
It was like all of Dunk’s corporeal weight disappeared. Rather than the heavy anchor of the tug-o-war, this Dunk was feather-light. He stepped backwards in shock as if DICKFACE Steffon had stabbed him right in his beautiful gut.
Raymun is more decidedly reactive - spitting on the ground, shoving his helm into Steffon’s chest, and telling him to saddle his own bloody horse. He has no time for jerks who trade their honour for a title, no matter how close the familial relationship.
This is why Everybody Loves Raymun.
Dunk thinks they are lost - but Raymun takes a stand. Or rather, a knee.
“Knight me. I will fight,” he implores.
Ser Lyonel backs up Raymun’s assessment that they’re boned if they don’t have more men.
But Dunk can’t knight Raymun. Something is holding him back.
He’s saved by the bell, or rather, the horn.
With a grateful squeeze of Raymun’s shoulder, Dunk leaves the young apple to be toffee’d up by Lyonel.
And what a ceremony! The shot of Lyonel twisting his sword in slow motion to bring it down on Raymun’s shoulders should win some sort of cinematography Emmy alone.
But as Raymun gulps at the responsibility he’s signing up for, Dunk seems to have a flashback. It’s his beloved(?) mentor, Ser Arlan of Pennytree, looking down at him with a “Who, me?” expression. He’s the human embodiment of the shrug emoji.
I mean, guys, come on, surely this is all pointing to Dunk not really being a knight, right?
With the greater point being he IS a true knight, because his natural instincts are to do what’s right, right?
And this is why he’ll go down in the history books they write, right?
Despite this addition, and Dunk’s insistence to Lord Ashford that his team will fight a man down, that dog won’t hunt, monsignor.
If he can’t get seven total, his cause isn’t just, and he’s automatically guilty. Westerosi justice might not exactly be fair, but you’ve got to admit it is efficient.
Dunk asks for a moment, and feeling pity for him, Lord Ashford acquiesces.
Dunk then screws his courage to the sticking place, and calls to the crowd for assistance. Surely one of them would be willing to stand beside him?
The hedge knight pleads his case, highlighting the legacy of Ser Arlan’s teachings, not just sword and lance… but honour.
It would be reminiscent of Mel Gibson in Braveheart, except for the fact that Dunk is actually the height William Wallace would have been.
“A knight defends the innocent - that’s all I did!” Dunk cries, before appealing to the father-son demographic by declaring he is following Ser Arlan’s example despite not being his blood.
The camera cuts to a number of noble father-son duos watching in the stands - and tellingly to a po-faced Prince Meerkat, then Egg. It’s clear young Aegon is looking for other options; he’s not that keen on the chicken that came before him.
“Who will stand and fight with me?!” demands Dunk, with Thunder neighing in encouragement.
There’s silence.
Then the music swells, and a VERY COOL THING happens.
A huge, bearded man rises to his feet in the stands, his long hair whipped by the dawn breeze.
“The Brute of Bracken!” whispers the crowd in amazement.
It’s a mighty moment. Egg looks hopeful. Dunk looks amazed.
…then the Brute, for a hoot, lifts a boot, drops a toot, and oh shoot, it’s all moot.
It was the fart that launched a thousand shits. Into laughter, that is.
For a moment, Dunk’s shoulders sloop, and it seems like the wind has left his sails.
But he gets a second wind (ye gods, the fart jokes), and rounds on the stands again.
“Has courage deserted the noble houses of Westeros? I will not believe it is so! Are there no true knights among you?”
Silence again. Then a crunch of opening gates. And the whisper of a familiar tune…
Now a quick aside to take you inside my brain at this point, having not read the books or gone down a Dunk and Egg wiki hole.
I’d spied one of the Sassy Whores from episode 1 in the stands, having the decency to look slightly pissed off at the Brute of Bracken’s trouser fluting. Perhaps she was downwind of him, who knows.
But I didn’t think I’d seen her boss, old mate Dondarrion, so my brain jumped to the idea that perhaps he was about to ride in to the rescue.
I know, I know, Dondarri-who? I think we saw him doing up-ya-bum karaoke with Lord Lyonel last week, but he’s hardly been a commanding presence.
I’m telling you this so you can picture my face when PRINCE BAELOR SALT-AND-PEPPER FOX TARGARYEN rips off his helmet and declares “I will take Ser Duncan’s side.”
The STEP-UP in the split second from my expectation to reality was some kind of end-point nirvana. It was inspirational to be sure, but it was also a healing moment. Forget Westeros, our whole world just became a little better when this happened.
“Have you taken leave of your senses? This man attacked my son.” Meerkat snaps at his brother.
“This man protected the innocent, as every true knight must. Let the gods decide if he was right or wrong.”
Baelor spurs his horse into a canter and OH GOD I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO BE A HORSE MORE.
A big grin breaks out on Egg’s face. Dimples crease in Sassy Whore’s. The fathers and sons who moments ago were laughing at fart joke rise to their feet and applaud. The smallfolk cheer.
Dunk is just gobsmacked.
Of all the changes in fortune one might experience in five days, going from roadside diarrhea to fighting alongside the heir to the realm was not on his bingo card (although perhaps on that fortune teller’s tarot).
It takes him a split second to kick Thunder into gear - and then the episode cuts out, setting up an epic showdown next week.
I cannot deny that one of the reasons this recap has taken me so long is that I cannot stop watching that reveal.
The repeated viewings have reaped rewards in terms of putting the “o” into “overall wellbeing” (ahem), but also in details. It all happened so fast initially I didn’t clock the red three-headed dragon on the rider’s chest, nor Meerkat pulling his horse in behind Baelor’s almost immediately in recognition.
Rewatches also make you realise how cool Baelor is. Not for him the flashy pointy barbs on his armour, which are all over Meerkat’s and Aerion’s. There’s no fancy helmet business - Steely Pate would approve.
But there is a downside. I’m pretty convinced the “I will take Ser Duncan’s side” line was ADR - that is, recorded later in a studio and edited in. Its volume and power are too strong for the way Baelor’s mouth moves in the moment. His subsequent lines are much more true to Baelor’s typical delivery.
Believe me, I wish I could unhear it now, but this is what 67 clicks on the “watch again” button do to you.
What you definitely SHOULD do is play out the song over the closing credits, because dear lord, it’s incredible. The Dunk and Egg theme, before now heard mostly as tinkling through the episode, and in previous end credits, now blends beautifully over the classic Ramin Djawadi score. Huge congratulations to composer Dan Romer for this seamless integration that scratches my brain in all the right ways.
How wonderful they kept the theme (aside from the cute fake-out at the start of episode 1) for this moment, to honour the honour that Baelor has shown.
Yay! Best Moments
Clearly, that climax was orgasmic. It cannot be topped.
But as a lovely, sly piece of scene work, it would be remiss of me not to highlight Aerion’s literal and metaphorical nut-cracking as the lords decide Dunk’s fate.
He pounds large nuts with the handle of his dagger, then obnoxiously crunches on them. Eventually, one skips out from under him, skims across the table top to Lord Ashford, and falls to the floor. Pointy-faced Blondie motions for the lord to pick it up, sending Lord Ashford to his knees.
When Dunk finally asks “Can I go now?” the resulting tableau shows Lord Ashford still prostrate under the table. Baelor gives an unimpressed nod of dismissal, as if almost embarrassed by the parade of lackeys and gits he’s forced to share space with.
Also there’s a great shot of Aerion being pulled out of frame by a cranky Prince Meerkat, who clearly isn’t impressed with his recalcitrant groin leak.
Zing! Best Lines
Dunk has a bleakly funny zing on Tanselle’s crime.
Dunk: “What of the girl?”
Baelor: “By the time Aerion is done twisting the tale it will be high treason.”
Dunk: “Treason? By puppetry?”
Ew, gross
We didn’t need any more evidence that Aerion Brightflame was a busted nut, but it came with the Egg-splanation that he drowned Egg’s cat in a well.
Ohhhh, muthaf***a, you forgot whom you’re dealing with here. I am the Mother of Kittens, and I have three jerks back here I am ready to unleash upon you. Well, to be honest, one will probably run off scared, one will stare at you with big eyes and then play with a discarded Nerf bullet. But the third one BY THE GODS she will gouge your eyes out.
“This is how she works when recapping and somehow I’M the animal?!?”
Also Aerion used to regularly threaten Egg with castration, suggesting he’d be more useful to him as a sister he could marry. Raymun laughs at this, but seeing the horrified look on Dunk’s face, swallows his giggles.
Boo, sucks
Daeron had a dream, and that dream was of a great black dragon, the size of a field, dead.
Dunk was there too, but he was alive.
“Did I kill it?” he asks. “That I could not say,” sniffs Dazzler.
Two characters in this episode explicitly confirm there are no more living dragons; Ser Steffon sneers and Dazzler scoffs.
So a giant black dragon, friends, what are we to make of that, in dream-like symbolism?
Who is the current greatest, blackest Targaryen, the one whose reach and impact could be compared to the breadth of a flying beast’s wings, whose fall to earth would quake the seven kingdoms?
Oh no. Oh no no no. Oh no, my sweet, solemn salt-and-pepper fox. I’ve only known you for three episodes - you cannot die in this Trial of Seven. The gods cannot be this unjust.
But this is Westeros. This is George R.R. Martin. This is the man who killed Ned Stark, who planned the Red Wedding, who poisoned Joffrey, and who let f***ing OLLIE kill Jon Snow.
Stu is gone, so I must carry the anti-Ollie flame.
So I ask you again… how good a knight is Baelor, truly?