SPOILER ALERT!
You can listen to the accompanying Raven On podcast to this episode here.
DRAGONS!
BOOBS!
DYNASTIC UNCERTAINTY!
INADEQUATE HEALTHCARE!
SQUELCHING NADS!
And maybe… just maybe… some justification for Daenerys Targaryen, 172 years before she is even born.
The premiere of House of the Dragon - henceforth to be shortened to “Hot D” whenever called for - was everything your recappespondent wanted in establishing a new (old?) era of Westeros: great characters; the promise of intrigue; some frankly uncalled-for gore; and a smashingly good candidate for Natalie’s “Who Will Become The New Object of My Slightly Perverted Fixation?” talent quest.
He’s a mystery now. But who knows?
We even got a tantalizing glimpse of some *actual* Hot D, as former Doctor Who Matt Smith turned, while naked, at a very specific angle that briefly displayed his… er… sonic screwdriver to the kind of weird people who like to rewind and pause their screens. Obviously I have now done this multiple times, but the damn lighting is all focused on his nude lady friend’s perfect bottom, and not at all on… er… “The Master”.
Oh, two paragraphs in and already with the objectification and side-peen jokes.
HOW I HAVE MISSED THIS.
Ladies and gentlemen, one and all, kittens of all sizes, shapes, colours and creeds - WELCOME.
This is Raven On, a recap series born to cover Game of Thrones, and now as joyfully resurrected as Jesus at a Sunday sesh to cover the prequel series House of the Dragon.
This is the first of a number of spin-off series in various stages of production/interest/vague spitballs of ideas designed to capitalise on the immense popularity GoT reached in its heyday.
There have been bumps along the road. First, the final series that aired in 2019 did not get the best reception. The watercooler buzz of Game of Thrones seemed to fade quicker than my energy levels without Pepsi Max.
Then, a series set 1000 years before the events of Game of Thrones, starring Naomi Watts, was shelved after an apparently unsatisfactory pilot. Finally, Covid hit, and, well, who the hell remembers anything about 2020-present day?
But here we are, August 2022, strapping ourselves to the back of a great scaly beast and taking to the skies over King’s Landing once more.
For those of you who are new here, or perhaps have forgotten how these recaps work - I write lengthy, spoiler-y and often intensely sexual recaps written from a fan’s perspective. I might do the odd bit of technical criticism (eg, some of the dragon shots in this episode seemed a *teensy* bit ropey), but overall I’m more concerned with the story, the characters, the dizzying highs and terrifying lows. These are always aimed to be out on Tuesday mornings Australian time.
I follow up the recaps with the Raven On podcast, recorded with my bloodrider Stuart Layt, aka The Chocolate-Voiced Mountain God, aka The Fantasy/Sci-Fi Geek Who’s Living His Best Life Because All of His Favourite Properties Have Mainstream TV Shows Now. These are always aimed to be out on Wednesday mornings Australian time.
The recaps will always be free to read here on my website, but I do urge readers to consider signing up for my Patreon and contributing a bit of cash. I do believe that writers should be paid, and this is my way of putting my hat out. The payments are monthly, and you can choose your amount. I used to suggest $1 or $2 per recap, which is a deal considering my recaps are thousands of words, take hours to complete, and are totally original. Still far less than a store-bought coffee!
To all my existing Patrons - you are the glue that holds my fragile ego together. Thank you so much for your ongoing support over the past few years. I will never be able to thank you.
But enough of the mawkish sentimentality, lest I cry ugly tears. Let’s get to the TITS AND DRAGONS!
Given its inescapable role as a scene-setting debut, I found episode one “The Heirs of the Dragon” rather splendidly laid tasty breadcrumbs for us to follow.
I was somewhat surprised by the narrated opening sequence - the voiceover technique is definitely something different. It reflects the origin of this story as the George R.R. Martin book Fire & Blood, which is more academic/historic in tone, rather than grandiose novels of A Song of Ice and Fire.
And speaking of A Song of Ice and Fire…. NO! NO! Bad recappespondent! Not yet! Rest of the episode first!
The sequence shows the decision to name Viserys Targaryen heir to long-lived, peace-loving King Jaehaerys, over Viserys’ cousin Rhaenys. She was the older of the two, but had the unfortunate luck to be a woman, and the Targaryen dynasty had already made it 100 years without anyone block-cocking the throne. The high lords of the land were hardly going to start now.
So Viserys is named heir, with his preggers wife Aemma beside him, and because the narrator identifies Viserys as “my father”, we assume that the baby on board is Rhaenyra, one of the central characters of the drama to come. And there’s a hint to that drama, with the voiceover ending with the line that King Jaehaerys called the council to make the decision because “The only thing that could tear down the House of the Dragon… was itself.”
Cut to nine years into the reign of Viserys I, which we assume began a few years after the heir-naming ceremony. The babe Rhaenyra is now around 15 years old, flying on the back of a great golden dragon named Syrax.
It was pretty great to hear that soaring Targaryen motif mixed in with the old Game of Thrones theme as the dragon weaved around the rooftops and Red Keep of King’s Landing. The CGI work on these dragon shots were fantastic, and given it was the first action shot of the show, it makes sense.
Rhaenyra is welcomed back to the dragon pits by her Kingsguard guardian, whose name I’ve yet to get, but whom I referred to as “Hey, it’s that guy from Outlander! Not the hot red-head with the ripped abs, but the older dude with the beard!”
I loved that the dragon handlers were barking “Doeharis!” at Syrax to get her to do what she was told. We all remember “Valar Doeharis”, so they were essentially telling her to “serve” or to “follow”. Ooh, look at me being all fancy and remembering my High Valyrian.
Also waiting is Rhaenyra’s bosom buddy Alicent, which is what happens when you get drunk and accidentally combine the names Alison and Millicent on the birth certificate. Luckily she didn’t get Millison, I suppose.
They banter about Alicent being perfectly happy NOT to fly through the air, and Rhaenyra looks SO MUCH like Daenerys at this point, with her long blonde hair and black-with-faux-scales riding habit. Sigh.
The pair head back in a covered wagon, and the trek shows us some reasonably familiar sites of King’s Landing - that marketplace area that Tyrion and Varys could often be seen strolling through; the entrance to the Red Keep itself, and that arched two-story hall that serves as a sort of nexus for court life.
Rhaenyra pays her mother Aemma a visit, to comfort her in her late stage pregnancy. Pity this poor actor - only a few scenes in the first episode, and wearing the fake preggo belly in all of them. Queen Aemma stresses the importance of their “royal wombs”, that this is where they do battle. Rhaenyra would much prefer to ride into battle on dragonback and GIRL. SAME.
Her father Viserys is definitely NOT wearing a “Girls Can Do Anything!” t-shirt. He’s a little bit too Henry VIII about wanting a son, so the best he can do for his daughter is let her pour his drinks while he talks about the great tourney he’s throwing for the as-yet-unborn-heir.
Hand of the King Otto Hightower is happy to keep Viserys preoccupied with nice things like the impending birth of a son, even if the Grand Maester is reticent about confirming the child’s sex before it’s dangling right in front of them.
He’s no Littlefinger, but then, Littlefinger had a very specific set of sociopathic tendencies and psychosexual power fetishes, so he’s not really the standard you want to measure against.
It’s not a particularly inspiring Small Council, given that Viserys’ younger brother Daemon can’t be bothered showing up, and the Grand Maester has a face that I could not even begin to describe to you, even though as of writing I’ve watched the episode three times already.
Legendary Scottish actor Bill Paterson fares better as Lord I’M COVERED IN BEESbury, even with a greasy wig. He’s the one who wants Daemon to report back on his most recent appointment as Commander of the City Watch.
Then there’s a chap who’s name I think is Strong, but who I hereby dub Steven Toast, from Toast of London. He’s got the righteous ‘tache and self-important voice down.
The only one who seems really across his brief is Lord Corlys Velaryon, aka the Sea Snake, heavily promoted in show publicity. I must admit I was surprised to see him start the series as an adviser to the King, but I guess it makes sense. His legendary nautical adventures would have been the stuff of his younger years - married to Rhaenys, the aforementioned “Queen Who Never Was”, with a couple of kids, he’s probably happy to sit close, but not too close, to power.
The downside is frustration. We see Lord Corlys get cranky at the Council for ignoring his warnings about the Free Cities banding together to start killing pirates and raiding Westeros shipping lanes. He mentions the name “Craghas Dragar”, which I’m noting here as a sort of Chekhov’s gun, just so if he turns up later in the series I can point to this and say “I told you so”.
Lord Corlys could have a shot at being the most meme-able Hot D character. His disbelieving eye flick at the rest of the Small Coucil was brilliant.
Soon Rhaenyra learns that her irascible Uncle Daemon has turned up by stealth - in the Throne Room of course, as any “I’m-still-the-heir-until-the-baby-boy-turns-up” wag would.
It’s here we get our first glimpse of the Iron Throne. It’s been given a glow-up, or should I say, a spike-up. The back has been raised and expanded, and cascading down from its plinth are hundreds more spiky swords, spiked in spiky fashion.
“I’m going to need a hemorrhoid cushion.”
This is the first conversation in High Valyrian in the show - and possibly the first hint of our old favourite Targaryen trait, incest. Or was I just reading into it? There was certainly a sense of affection between uncle and niece, a bit of cheeky banter and a nice gift of a Valyrian steel necklace, but it might be up to each individual to decide whether it veered across the “Hey, we’re related, and I’m down with that” line.
It turns out Daemon has another reason to return to King’s Landing besides the big game - he’s going to show off what his new, improved City Watch can do. And that, in a word, is ULTRAVIOLENCE.
Resplendent in a very fancy headpiece, Daemon commends his brother officers on their recent conversion to discipline and actual law enforcement. They show this by howling like dogs.
This is going to go well.
Daemon leads them out on a clean-up-the-streets mission, dispensing summary justice like I brush my teeth: hard, fast, and with a disturbing amount of blood.
It’s a scene reminiscent of the slaughter of all the Baratheon bastards in Season Two of Game of Thrones; or even the Sons of the Harpy rebellion in Meereen in Series Five. But anyone who tells you it’s WORSE has got their facts wrong - only a few people were actually killed here. Most seemed to just be beaten up and relieved of various appendages.
Yes, including a pair of SQUELCHING NADS.
A City Watch officer spies a dude, yells “Raper!” (an odd choice, I would have assumed “Rapist” would be the more likely term), dacks said dude, giving us a bird’s eye (browneye?) view of his buttocks, then slashingly saws his nuts off.
This sequence was filmed in dimmer light, so I think it was just the two veg, not the meat. The sack emitted a particularly repellant thwack as it was casually thrown onto a nearby wooden stool.
I mean, it’s brutal, but in a weird way, I was more surprised that they were actually punishing an alleged “raper”. Given this franchise’s often-controversial history, one could easily imagine rapers running about with no threat of consequence at all.
Either way, remember that appointed police personnel turning against unarmed citizens with little fear of reprisal is something that would ONLY happen in a FANTASY show.
Daemon’s makeover of the Goldcloaks into the Brownshirts is not popular with everyone. The Hand of the King is most displeased at his wanton disregard for propriety, though Daemon catches him impuning his reputation. Daemon’s perspective is that nobles from around the Seven Kingdoms are turning up for the tourney, and let’s not leave a bad impression on them.
Lord Corlys and eventually even Viserys agree there might be something to having a populace scared of
How does Daemon commiserate after his dressing down?
By undressing down, of course!
Yes, it’s our first sex scene of the series, and I for one am glad they’re back. I have a lot of body confidence issues regarding the size and shape of my own fleshy vehicle, so it’s nice to see people letting it all hang out.
Speaking of which… I was so busy trying to confirm what I believe was a flash of Daemon’s ding-dong that his butt just flew over my head. Yes, there was Matt Smith’s butt. Is this the first Doctor Who derriere to be seen on a mainstream television show? Apart from that time Tom Baker appeared on Embarrassing Bodies?
“It’s bigger on the inside"
Clearly Daemon’s mind is elsewhere, as he can’t quite seem to… well, chase the dragon to completion. His lady friend offers him more lady friends to help, but then seems to realise he needs comfort, not carnality. Big boy Daemon feels a bit widdle, so she tells him no, you are so big wif your big draggy-waggy Ceraxes and your big boy sword Dark Sister and you’re gonna be the heir, yes you are, because you’re a good widdle boy.
Daemon’s not the only one putting on his big boy pants, or as they call them “suits of armour”.
It’s Tourney Time!
It’s shaping up to be a great day for Viserys. The sun is out, the fightin’s about to start, and best of all, his wife is going into labour.
He clearly hasn’t seen a top down image of the tourney arena, or colosseum, or whatever the appropriate name for the architecture is.
He hasn’t realised it looks exactly like a dilated vagina. OR, to think more darkly, the sharp incision into a swollen belly.
Yes, things don’t go well with the birth, in a plot twist that might have surprised the first audience to ever watch Oedipus Rex, but no one since.
Poor Aemma. Watched over by a half-dozen silent ladies-in-waiting, plus at least one Septa, and a half dozen Maesters all poking their noses into her royal lady garden.
Viserys is called, and things look grim. He faces an impossible choice: save the breech baby with a risky c-section, or leave it up to the Gods (aka, watch them both die).
I think it was likely Viserys was always going to try to save the babe at the expense of the mother; despite his obvious affection for his wife, he had been pretty clear about wanting a boy. Certainly Rhaenyra regards herself as an inconvenient truth: proof he can have kids, but ones irritatingly without a winkle.
However it would have been interesting to see if Viserys might have thought harder about sacrificing Aemma had she not told him she was done with getting knocked up. Despite her brave face about internal battlefields to her daughter, repeated miscarriages, stillbirths, and what sounds like a couple of cases of SIDS have encouraged her to close the factory.
Would Viserys have hesitated had he thought she might survive another stillbirth, and they could try again?
Either way, I wish Aemma had noped out earlier. Interspersing her c-section scenes with carnage on the tourney field was not subtle, but boy did it make a point.
It left me as pissed off with those pent-up, head-smashing knights as Lady Rhaenys was - all steel and seed and no sense. At least they HAD the choice to take part in the fun ‘n’ games ‘n’ murder ‘n’ whatnot. Aemma’s fate was sealed by her biological and social role as professional babymaker.
It’s a fragile thing, isn’t it, a woman’s right to choose.
As Daemon fights it out with the dishily Dornish Ser Criston Cole, a surprisingly superior opponent, Aemma is carved open on the childbed, screaming in agony, sticky hands reaching to grab her babe, blood soaking the mattress.
It’s scene reminiscent of poor Lyanna Stark, dead in a “bed of blood” after birthing Rhaegar Targyren’s son.
Difference is, Jon Snow lived. Little Baelon doesn’t.
It’s Rhaenyra who calls forth her dragon Syrax to burn the corpses of her mother and infant brother. Her “Dracarys!” is chillingly good, its timbre and tone almost a dupe for Daenerys’ first cry back when she freed the Unsullied.
Desolate, Viserys has to face his Hand immediately bringing up the matter of the succession, but initially the King is resistant to calls that Rhaenyra could prove a better option than the unpredictable and violent Daemon.
“I will not choose between my brother and my daughter,” he intones. But as everyone debates the merits of Daemon v Rhaenyra - even Lord Corlys puts in a good word for his missus, who remains alive, with a good claim, and children - Viserys can’t help getting upset at the “crows” feasting on the corpses of his dead wife and son.
It appears to be a stalemate - until Daemon lets his ego get the best of him at a knees-up orgy for his City Watch officers. My favourite part about his speech is how two people who were clearly in the middle of some sort of live sex show have just paused in the background, still holding position, to listen to Daemon speak. I have been unable to get a screenshot of it, but I swear, I will hunt it down.
While we don’t actually see Daemon utter the words, Hightower reports that the Prince toasted his dead nephew as “Prince Baelon, Heir for a Day”.
Now that’s just tacky.
“Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow” is a far better joke.
It seems to be the trigger for Viserys to unleash that inner crazy Targaryen spirit that we all know and love. Dressed formally, Viserys calls Daemon to the throne room to admonish him, chewing him out for laughing with his “whores and lickspittles” instead of supporting his family.
This was a fantastic scene for both Paddy Considine as Viserys and Matt Smith as Daemon. Viserys is essentially kind-hearted, which Daemon sees as weakness. For his part, Daemon is ambitious, and selfish, and it's for these reasons that Viserys strips him of his status as heir apparent.
If there’s one thing that’s certain about Viserys, is that he thinks a lot about the Targaryen family, its history and its legacy.
We see it when young Alicent turns up in his private chamber to “comfort” him, on the orders of her father
Something that endeared me a lot to Alicent - even though she was definitely less intriguing a character than Rhaenyra - was her nailbiting. She nearly tore her thumbnail off when her brother was jousting with Prince Daemon; and her father tells her to “stop that” when she bites her thumb nervously in front of him.
While we’re on endearing things, a quick aside to mention how much I adore Rhaenyra for being chronically late everywhere. She seems to be late coming back from her dragon ride, she’s late to her cupbearer job, she keeps Alicent out late cram studying in the Godswood, she’s late to the royal pavilion at the tourney, and she’s even late getting Syrax to roast her Mum.
As someone incapable of keeping to time, can I just kneel before Rhaenyra and say WE STAN A TARDY QUEEN.
Anyway, back to Alicent’s creepy task of cheering up Viserys. He seems busy enough working on his scale model of the Red Keep, carving it out of a big chunk of clay. This could not have been a more perfect nerdy hobby for Viserys. It’s the Westerosi version of a model train set.
Alicent doesn’t really know what to say, but her simple expression of shared grief - born out of her own recent loss of her mother - is clearly touching.
Viserys’ fire for history is again seen when he finally calls Rhaenyra to speak with him, in front of the skull of Aegon the Conqueror’s legendary dragon Balerion to bestow upon her the great responsibility of inheriting the Iron Throne. Rhaenyra is a bit peeved her Dad has been ignoring her, but that’s not important anymore. He’s wasted his life pining for a son when he had a perfectly good daughter right there, one who might even be better than any man at taking on the mantle of monarch.
Rhaenyra understands that the dragons themselves - these giant, nuclear-powered attack Zeppelins - do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to the Targaryen’s reputation.
And it’s here that he delivers a stunning prophecy that just might change the way some people see Daenerys Targaryen.
For Aegon the Conqueror seems to have invaded Westeros not just because it was a fine piece of land, but because he had a dream it would be where the end of the time of men would start. That to save humanity, the Targaryens must continue their guardianship of the realm, to ensure the people can stand together to defeat the tyranny in the cold.
Gripping what we can clearly see is the Valerian steel dagger that Arya Stark ends up using to kill the Night King, Viserys tells his daughter that Aegon even called the dream A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE.
Sure, it might just be good propaganda. But the idea that this was a holy secret that didn’t make it to Daenerys Stormborn is bittersweet.
Perhaps the only cogent way to explain my theory is with the meme du jour:
Now I’m keen for your thoughts on this twist.
Do you think this is something George R R Martin - who is heavily involved with this series - has known all along? Or is it something he worked out with the creative team that helped tie the two series together, and in doing so, gave a little bit of love back to Daenerys?
And what of this debut episode overall? A soft start? Or all dragons blazing?
I’m looking forward to your comments kittens - please go nuts here in the comments, or find the Facebook page as I’ll post there, or hit me up on Twitter!
It’s so good to be back, kittens!
Yay! Best Moments
Obviously just existing is the Best Moment of all. But the juxtaposition of Viserys telling Rhaenyra about the end of men beginning with a “terrible winter gusting from the distant north” with Rickon Stark of Winterfell pledging his allegiance to Rhaenrya hit me RIGHT IN THE FEELS.
Zing! Best Lines
Daemon telling off Viserys:
“I see Otto Hightower for what he is.”
“An unwavering and loyal hand–”
“A C*NT.”
Eww, gross
Obviously, all the gore in the City Watch raid, the tourney and poor Aemma’s death. It’ll be interesting to see the reaction to this; it is, after all, a Game of Thrones show, and you cannot expect to see sunshine and lollipops. It’s a violent world, and adults can make informed decisions.
On a lighter side though, both Aemma and Viserys complain that Rhaenyra “stinks of dragon”. I’d never really pondered how the sweating, meaty flesh of a dragon would hit the olfactory nerves. Thinking about that led me down an even worse rabbit hole - how do dragons poop?
I’m serious. They’re massive creatures. Given their goat-heavy diet, “dropping the kids off at the pool” means dropping actual kids. And what if they toilet from the air? Imagine being out ploughing your fields and getting rained on by draggy doo-doo. You’d be hoping for armed drones eventually. Although maybe you’d be grateful for the fertiliser.
Boo, sucks
There was no opening title sequence, which was interesting! Game of Thrones of course was famous for its unfolding, unfurling maps, but here we just had a flaming three-headed dragon sigil and a fade to black. This might have been because of the unique opener. I hope they bring the goods next episode!
Thank you so much for reading, kittens! Remember you can find my Patreon here, and find the accompanying podcast on most podcast apps, and here: