It was all going so well...
Reminder: spoilers will be included below. Only read on if you’ve seen the episode. We’re discovering the storyline through the TV series (reading the books after each has finished), so no dropping important future plot points in the comments, or … actually, what the hell. Spoil away. Whatever. See if I care. They’ve already torn out the larger of my two colons and used it to choke all the tears out of me. Just f--- it.
I can’t... I just can’t... just...
I don’t even know how to be funny. I’m supposed to write something here that’s funny. I’m supposed to provide a humorous insight into a hugely popular television program using wit and words and things and I DON’T KNOW HOW I CAN’T EVEN SEE THE COMPUTER SCREEN BECAUSE I’M CRYING AND SOBBING AND WEEPING.
F--- you, George R. R. Martin, you psycho. F--- you, HBO, you pimps of human emotion. F--- everyone. F--- it all, I can’t even. I hate you. I hate the world. I’m going to punch my own face through a window and then break some shit in my house. I hate everything.
Now I’m just going to go and throw up, but when I come back, we’re going to attempt to go over that whole f---ing mess in another Raven On Game of Thrones re ….(oh gross, I got hurl on my keyboard).
Hodor... (and Bran).
Well, it was all going well, wasn’t it?
Jon Snow had listened to his conscience and fled the Wildlings, leaving Ygritte in a steaming ginger rage; Bran worked out he has superpowers beyond mortal Wargs; Dany, Faabio and crew took Yunkai without even messing up their hairdos; and Bran farewelled Rickon to continue north of the Wall with the Reeds. Sam and Gilly made it to the Wall; Arya was a gnat’s gnob away from seeing her family again; and even Edmure Tully had been surprised when his contractually obligated Frey wife turned out to be a looker.
Yes, it was all going swimmingly... AND THEN THEY KILLED EVERYONE.
(I apologise, this is going to be a rather capslock-heavy recap.)
All that set-up, all the stuff near the Wall, the staged apology to Walder Frey’s daughters, even the little side trip to Yunkai - it was all a lure. It was all giving me a false sense of security that whatever the Big Bad was going to be, it wouldn’t be That Bad.
Even when the Hound was telling Arya that she had The Fear of losing her family even while she was so close... I still got suckered in.
By the time the penny dropped - around the same time Catelyn pinged - it was too late.
A hint had been dropped earlier when Brynden and Catelyn were discussing Roose Bolton’s wife, another Frey girl. He picked her because she was the fattest, and Walder would pay the most dowry for her. Bolton = cash lust. He let Jaime go because he feared the Lannisters... and knew where the cash was. Now he’s a traitor to his liege lord. TRAITOR. That bit where Catelyn pulled back his sleeve to reveal chain mail. My heart just broke. I spit in his stupid face.
Earlier than that, another hint had been dropped when Walder Frey said to Talisa “I can always tell what’s going on underneath a dress”. Why else would they go for her belly? Kill the heir, kill the spare.... and they’d just named it Eddard. Arghghgh.
And the wolf. They even shot Grey Wind. A beast of the North. I had hoped Arya would try to rescue and run away with him, but it was too late.
Oh Arya. Fierce, little Arya.
Oh and Arya, dear little Arya. Has that girl not been through enough? Could she not be allowed to see her family one last time? I know she couldn’t, of course, because then she’d be dead too, but that look on her face when she heard the voices of Northmen and thought she was safe, and then the Frey men attacked... oh gods, I just sobbed. Thank goodness for the Hound, knocking her out and spiriting her away.
And Robb, noble Robb - using his final moments to gaze on the face of his beloved wife. When she died, the fight went out of him. His last word, “Mother”, was a resignation, an acknowledgement of doom. But as for Roose Bolton - “The Lannisters send their regards” - what a demonic anal fissure of a man. Once Joffrey is done, you’re next, Roosey.
Oh Catelyn, why didn’t you just AXE FREY IN THE F----ING HEAD?! SURELY YOU WOULD KNOW HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIS WIFE. Sure, you would’ve died anyway, but at least you would’ve taken out that smug, gurning, foul genital wart of a man out with you.
But Brynden Tully, did anyone see what happened to Brynden the Blackfish? I thought I saw him among the slain but there was no close up. Maybe he escaped... maybe?
There were other things in this episode that I wish I had better presence of mind to recap. Delightful, wonderful things. Osha teasing Rickon about wildlings drinking blood. Hodor’s panic at thunder, or as he called it, “Hodor”. Jon killing that slimy Warg wildling. Ygritte’s frustration at Jon’s escape. The sublime look on Sam Tarly’s face when Gilly expressed her admiration at his book-readin’ skillz (“You’re a wizard, Samwell”). And a fantastic fight scene with Jorah, Grey Worm and Faabio in Yunkai. Admittedly the actual victory over the slave city was glossed over, but that was excusable given ALL THE OTHER STUFF.
Look. I’m not a parent. I don’t know that special feeling you’re supposed to get when your genetic material splooshes into the world as a formed creature and grows and learns and takes risks and what not. I understand it’s pretty intense. But parents, is there a perilous emotional journey that little Takeisha or Jaiydann could provoke that could match the hellish rollercoaster of feelings that is Game of Thrones?
And with that probably alienating remark, I turn it over to your thoughts.
But just a note for my wonderful, lovely commenters. I know many of you have read the books, and you watch with delicious glee each week as we TV-first fans have our emotions toyed with. I know you will be reading all of this with a grin so Cheshire Cat-like you’re probably sprouting fur from your cheekbones.
But I swear, if I read one comment, just one comment, that reads something like “You think it’s bad now, wait ‘til next season!” or “Ha ha, told you not to get too attached!” then I will personally come to your house and give you an atomic nipple cripple.
Really? I’m supposed to do one of these, on a day like today? OK fine. Arya imploring the Hound not to kill the nice old pork salesman then smashing him over the head with a salami or something as he woke up.
Well I would’ve said Walder Frey for the whole “firm tits and a tight fit” business but that was BEFORE.
Instead I’ll go for something more fun with Faabio and his explanation of why he doesn’t use prostitutes. “A man cannot make love to property”. I just have this image in my head now of every time Faabio appears he gives a random love-making lecture:
“A man cannot make love on an empty stomach.” “A man cannot make love without first applying curling tongs and mousse.” “A man cannot make love in only one position. It is bad for the sex muscles.”
I agreed with Talisa, that bedding ceremony is creepy. So glad Ned banned it for he and Catelyn. That’s a nice memory I will have of them. Wait, that’s creepier...
Gee, tough one this week. Might have to think about it.
(At this point your recappespondent was taking into protective custody after neighbours were alerted by loud smashing noises and repeated cries of “HODOR!”. She was placated with pictures of Sean Bean and a large quantity of medicinal chocolate).