Nine Kingdoms, kittens. NINE KINGDOMS.

Smarmy little Egg in his smarmy little hood, smarmily correcting all of us and making Dunk wonder exactly how hard he got knocked in the knoggin’.

Now I’m not some Knellie Know-It-All who’s been saying this for years. But I do recall wondering where the Iron Islands fit into the Seven Kingdoms paradigm, given that old crusty barnacle Balon Greyjoy dubbed himself a King all the way back in Game of Thrones season two.

As for the Crownlands - well, I assumed that was like the Australian Capital Territory, with King’s Landing as the Canberra analogue. It’s technically part of the country, but it’s just where the politics happens, it’s not a serious state, you know?

But geez, what a self-assured way to end a series - then back it up with that coda.

It isn’t really a surprise that this charming lil’ contender stuck the landing. What was impressive that it was able to throw such a comedy gold closer on 30 minutes of quiet meditation about the “what comes next”, wrapped in a loud examination of nature versus nurture.

Remember, if we’re going by the calendar, it’s only been a week between Dunk burying his beloved(?) mentor Ser Arlan and basically killing off the heir to the entire realm. Whether it’s seven or nine kingdoms, that kind of emotional double whammy would knock anyone over.

But if I may invoke the spirit of British anarco-communistic indie rock outfit Chumbawamba, it’s time for our Hedge Knight to do some Shrub-Thumping. He got knocked down, but he’s got to get up again.

S1E6: The Morrow

He may have been knocked off his horse, beaten and bruised, and played a part in an epoch-making tragedy, but Lord Lyonel Baratheon is mostly just annoyed.

Dunk – big, hungry, clumsy, dancin’ Dunk - refuses to get up from the recovery position underneath his elm tree. Not even for some mournful blues music and Lyonel’s proffered flask.

The Laughing Storm’s maester administers various unctions and smelling salts, but Dunk is done. He’s out flat, his huge body as immovable as my face in a punnet of Ferrero Rocher.

But it seems the Maester’s diagnosis of wound “mortification” has been greatly exaggerated. Lyonel denounces his own doctor as a quack (“f*** off, witch!”) and says Dunk will be fine.

“Come with me, and I’ll love you like a brother. Refuse, and I’ll hate you like a brother.”

Awww. Either way - still sounds like bros to me, bro.

What I’m picking up here is that either way, Dunk’s probably got an ally for life in Lyonel. It’ll be prickly, mercurial and quite possibly horny, but an ally just the same.

You get the sense that if he could, Dunk would crawl into a hole and die.

But the Chortling Cyclone finds home life dull, and he’s got Big Plans for a tag team with Dunk. Imagine the double act! They’ll be the hit of every RSL from Sunspear to Storm’s End! Maybe even a detour to Tarth? We know they make big tall fighting folk there, Dunk will feel right at home.

Lyonel dismisses Dunk’s gloomy solipsism, saying the only good dragon is a dead dragon, and that really he’s done the realm a favour. Lyonel, how could you? That’s BAE-LOR you’re disrespecting.

Dunk summons what anger he can and demands Lyonel get Baelor’s name out of his whore mouth.

Salt-and-Pepper Fox Daddy gave his life fighting for him. He’s like Aslan from Narnia, or Neo from The Matrix, or Optimus Prime in the 80s Transformers movie, or I’m sure some other fictional character from a good book.

But Lyonel is laughin’ no more as he fires back “Hey f*** him and f*** you!”. He makes the incredibly fair point that Lyonel, Raymun and the two dead Humphreys stood with Duncan before Baelor came white-knighting in.

Besides, three of the opponents were Kingsguard who couldn’t even touch Baelor, so he risked nothing, and the gods don’t favour a fraud.

“Then why did they favour me?” Dunk croaks.

“Oh, this isn’t favour. This is mockery.”

It is really hard to top Lord Lyonel Baratheon for charisma, but he’s got the smarts to back it up, While he genuinely adores Dunk’s stiff but well-meaning vibe, you can also see part of the appeal is adopting Dunk as a curio - The Hedge Knight who Killed a King-to-Be.

I think we can all see how living the infamy would weigh on Dunk after a while. If a blue ribbon prick like Jaime Lannister can bristle against the “Kingslayer” tag, imagine how heavy it would be for Dunk? Still, a part of him must be intrigued by this potential career move, because he doesn’t turn Lyonel down outright.

The Laughing Storm is delighted. “Caravan leaves after the roast.”

Cut immediately to Prince Baelor’s funeral pyre. Seven hells, what a sassy bit of editing.

Question - there were a bunch of other blondies standing around that I hadn’t seen before, including an older gentleman. Was that supposed to be King Daeron? If so, how the hell did get from King’s Landing to Ashford so quickly? Sure, they could have sent a raven to pass on news of Baelor’s death, but there were no more dragons to hail for a quick ride.

Dunk manages to stumble up to the hillside burning zone, and make an approach to Prince Valarr (Vhalar? Valargh?).

He’s got a streak of silver-white through his other brown hair which I hadn’t noticed before, possibly because that side of his head hadn’t previously been turned to camera; or possibly because the stress of his Dad’s death has shocked the colour from his follicles.

***“Siri, play Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by the Crash Test Dummies…”***

Many sons die in their father’s armour, Valarr mourns, but how often does it happen the other way?

UGH. It’s tough to reckon with the notion that your already-lionised father died while stepping up even further in everyone’s estimation. Valar didn’t have a chance to emulate his father; Daddy was too busy squeezing himself into his son’s metal threads to do what’s right. The armour might have been the perfect fit for Valarr, but it’s still going to be impossible for him to fill it now.

I will say the prince has a fine line in Tom Cruise-style jaw clenching. He ponders why, when Baelor was going to be as good a king as Aegon the Conqueror, would the gods take him and not Dunk?

UGH. As if Dunk hasn’t already had enough spears to the gut.

“I’ve wondered the same,” Dunk says.

UGH. As if WE haven’t had enough spears to the gut.

Meanwhile, the Ashford Ren Fayre is being dismantled, cut short by tragedy. Plus I heard the booze ran out.

Dunk manages to find Ser Raymun, who’s rather chuffed, all things considered. His thundering arsehead of a cousin Steffon has left him with nothing as punishment for abandoning him, but Raymun knows it’s just because he’s all pooty at losing.

And there’s another reason - while we all love Ser Everybody Loves Raymun, but it now seems he has a new person to love back.

Turns out in the hours after watching Baelor’s brain fall out of his skull, Ser Raymun got a girl, got her pregnant, and got married. Hooray! It turns out once a knight is… enough!

Whether he truly is that naive or not, I am all for the Raymun/Rowan love connection. Lady Rowan, nee Sassy Whore, has no future tagging along behind Douchebag Dondarrion. This way she gets to legitimise herself and her bastard… sorry, and bear the sweet fruit of the green apple, as featured on Raymun’s new shield.

Besides, she looks perfectly content with her baby-faced baby-daddy after tentpole-ing all night. It’s more evidence that Ser Raymun must somehow be an ancestor of Podrick Payne. Somebody swab some cheeks and 23andme those two.

Dunk and Ray’s friendly catch-up is interrupted by Targaryen bannermen. Prince Meerkat wants a word. Lovely Ray tries to tell them to jog on, but Dunk steps up. Well, hobbles up.

I’ve got to give so much credit to Prince Maekar for up-ending the early opinion I formed of him.

His arrogance, conceit and selfish disdain for the feelings of others wasn’t endearing.

But the battle last week showed he is actually a father who cares about his sons, and is devastated by the loss of his brother.

You realise that this unlikely duo is bound together in a dungeon of grief so intense that not even a pre-arranged safe word would ease their suffering.

***It’s “abs”. The safe word is always “abs”.***

Maekar knows people will forever think he meant to kill Baelor, that younger siblings must always harbour jealousy and ambition. That’s true of Daemon Targaryen in House of the Dragon, but it doesn’t seem to be true of Maekar.

Sweet Dunk says while Maekar may have swung the mace, the death is entirely his fault.

“You will hear the whispers too,” Maekar responds. Baelor’s death has set an impossible expectation. It’s an inflection point. Anything that goes wrong from here - crop failures, battles lost, a Taylor Swift single NOT hitting a billion Spotify streams - will be blamed on those who killed Baelor.

Poor Dunk has the added weight of knowing Baelor could have lived if Dunk had just taken the punishment of losing the hand and foot that struck Aerion. He quotes his beloved(?) mentor Ser Arlan’s evening motto of “I wonder what the morrow will bring?”

Of course we know it was all just a big, stupid accident because the universe is chaotic and knows nothing of fairness. I suspect Dunk subconsciously knows this too, but he has to scrape around for hope, and lands on the possibility that his survival might be for a reason, that those spared appendages might be able to save someone else, at some time, in some way.

“Not bloody likely,” is Maekar’s cruel response.

OK, so he’s still a bit dickish, but he’s grieving, so maybe we can understand that.

Particularly because he genuinely seems concerned about what should happen to his kids.

He’s going to send Aerion to Essos for a few years to sort out his personality disorder, which could either be a character-forming trial by Free City fire OR a ticket to F-Boy Island.

Most importanly, he wants Egg to squire to Dunk - for realsies.

He may still have one eye closed over, but the other one suitably conveyed Dunk’s surprise at the request.

Maekar tuts at his kiddo’s challenging nature, but Dunk reassures him that he’s a good lad, and just needs a stern hand.

Imagine the humility of a Prince of the Realm hearing this from a nobody hedge knight from nowhere, who in the space of a week has become the only person your son wants to hang out with.

***“Am I so out of touch? No, it’s my children who are wrong.”***

“Will you take him?” Meerkat offers a cushy gig at Summerhall, all expenses paid suite with access to professional training to upskill while baby-sitting Egg.

Dunk is polite, but firm. His first exposure to royalty has not worked out so well; he thinks he’s done with princes.

That’s bad news for Egg, who’s been eavesdropping all this time.

The lil tyke is waiting for Dunk on a bench outside Maekar’s chambers, and even though Dunk looks emotionally drained from his meeting, can’t help trying some more emotional manipulation.

“Maybe you’re not the knight I thought you were.” Ouch, kid, that hurts more than the sword handle to the eye.

It also prompts more deep reflection for Dunk.

In what we later release is our final flashback, we find ourselves back at the same twisted tree where the series opened. It seems to be sunset - Ser Arlan always liked the sunset - and days, hours, perhaps even moments away from the old knight’s demise.

He regales Dunk with an oft-repeated tale of how young soldiers would nail pennies to a tree in the town square before heading off to battle; in the hope of retrieving it on their safe arrival home.

As Ser Arlan trails off, Dunk can’t contain himself. Why didn’t you knight me? Did you think I’d leave you? What’s wrong with me?!

The old knight, back against the oak, is still. His eyes stare into some far off place; maybe a former glory, maybe a sight of The Warrior coming for him at last.

Dunk, realising this is the end, starts to cry. He wipes his tears on his rough-hewn cloak, the wind now his only companion.

Except it isn’t, because Ser Arlan is the world’s biggest prankster. He spits himself back to life and tags the tale with “...and that’s why they call it the Pennytree!”

Dunk’s tears vanish in an instant; he looks almost embarrassed to have fallen for Arlan’s jape.

“A true knight always finishes a story,” the beloved(?) mentor winks.

Now on first watching I thought that was absolute clarification that Ser Duncan was no Ser at all.

But then… we didn’t see Ser Arlan actually pop his clogs. We assume it’s not far off, given the location. But there’s nothing to say he didn’t immediately whip out his sword (not that one) and give Dunk the old head tap with it (get your mind out of the gutter).

SO… IS DUNK A KNIGHT OR ISN’T HE?!

I mean, yes, I realise, it’s not important, because he’s a true knight at heart, his actions speak louder than titles, his honour comes from within, the humblest souls can be mightier than the fanciest nobles YES YES I GET ALL THE DEEPER MEANING.

I still want to know. I mean, you can’t include a line like “A good knight knows when to finish a story” and then not finish that particular story? Not have a resolution? Just leave me out here in edge land when there’s not even a handy Baelor GIF around?

***Oh, thank the gods. That’ll do nicely.***

Perhaps Dunk doesn’t even really know himself. Maybe that’s why he’s not much of a conversationalist at celebratory/commiseratory drinks for the dead Humphreys - one of which in death truly is I’m-Covered-in-BEEEEEES-bury.

I’ve got to defend my man Raymun here - my initial reaction was also “How the hell did they get the bees to swarm the coffin like that?!” so I appreciated Lady Rowan’s reminder that bees follow their Queen. Ray-ray doesn’t even mind his new missus describing his brain as post-fight applesauce - he’s just so chuffed to be getting some skin.

Trying to avoid looking at the snogging newlyweds, Dunk notices then hobbles over to confront a drunken Daeron about having the nerve to show up. Daeron is rather breezily OK with this; one assumes they have good honeymead at a Beesbury party.

He’s more concerned with Dunk taking Egg on as a squire. He says his brother wasn’t always a monster, prompting Dunk to defend his one-time charge.

“I didn’t mean Egg, but no doubt we’ll make a man of him too,” Daeron counters wryly.

What’s that reliable old saying about the gods flipping coins when Targaryens are born?

Perhaps the Maesters are right when they say madness is planted in the womb, Daeron says. “But Aerion was quite the glad child once.”

UGH.

Back at the castle, an uneaten fish sits untouched by Egg’s bedside, skewered by a knife.

The little lord is already glum, but realising a soft downy layer of silver-blonde hair has emerged on his skull sends him panicking.

We cut back to the fish, and the knife is gone.

Egg steals into Aerion’s room, where his brother lies as skewered as the fish supper. He slowly approaches the bed, and we see the knife clutched behind his back.

The masterful stroke in this scene is not that Maekar appears to stop any stabbing - but that we realise Maekar is there before Egg does. We realise he’s just being a Dad, keeping watch over his son’s sickbed.

Rather than yell, or chastise, or brutalise Egg, he simply moves to his side, and places his hands on the boy’s shoulders. With that, Egg… egg-hales. The panic, the anger, leaves his body, we hear the knife clatter to the floor, and he slumps into his father’s side.

It’s a tender moment that shows this wing of the dragon family may not be so hopelessly lost to the game of thrones.

But they’re interrupted. Dunk’s back, and he’s got a counter-offer for Maekar.

He’ll take the boy on as squire, but on his terms, and his terms don’t include plush surroundings at Summerhall. That’s right, Dunk is committing to Ren Fayre conditions on the road. It’s hedge way or the highway.

“Aegon is blood of the dragon, I forbid him to live as a peasant.”

Maekar is snobby here, but also I think justifiably cautious. Dunk has a rejoinder - Daeron’s never slept in a ditch. Aerion’s never had to eat disgusting hard salt beef. How is that working out for them?

I do feel sorry for Maekar here, because I think he’s arrived at much the same conclusion. “He’s my last son,” he almost pleads to Dunk. I think he hopes he can try one last time to avoid Daeron’s fatalism and produce a non-problematic prince.

Back at the elm tree, Dunk is readying his two horsies for departure. But then - more horsie!

The white mare Ser Arlan used to ride trots happily up to Dunk, and this is where I learned her name is Sweetfoot. Dawwwww!

Raymun seems to have bought her back for Dunk as a “going off to Storm’s End” present. Given Steffon left him with nothing, does that mean he used Lyonel’s money? I could see the Giggling Tempest buying back the pony to dangle as bait.

Dunk is touched by Raymun’s gesture, but isn’t planning on going with Lyonel. Raymun shares that he’s likely heading back to expand the cider business with his Dad. Just what Westeros need - more craft breweries.

Dunk seems to realise something in this chat. Maybe that Sweetfoot was Ser Arlan’s steed, and perhaps deserves a nice retirement. Maybe that it’s three horses will be harder to wrangle. Either way, he gifts Sweetfoot to his new bestie.

Raymun is delighted, and immediately offers a suitably green treat to the second fine filly he’s recruited that day.

Finally we see Dunk, with the fleas once again circling him, nail his own penny into the elm tree that saw his transition from hedge knight nobody to “That Hedge Knight Who Got Baelor Killed and That Made Natalie Sad”.

It’s the end of one chapter of his story, and the start of another.

The only question is, where to now?

Chestnut the horse wants to know, but Dunk isn’t sure. And then…

“Ser Duncan!”

Egg bounds over a crumbled bit of wall in brown civvies and an earthy green cloak. His head is once again smooth.

“My lord father says I am to serve you.”

Dunk’s face, one eye still closed, is about as inscrutable as he can get. “Serve you, Ser,” he instructs, to Egg’s restrained delight.

Does Dunk wonder if Maekar changed his mind? Does he wonder if Egg, who knowingly lied once before, might be doing it again? Does he think whatever the case, Egg is better off with hi? Does he not ask any questions because it’s better to have plausible deniability? Did anyone else not really think about any of that in the moment because you were just so happy to see the band back together?

On horseback, Egg is keen to get…cracking on a new adventure. It’s here he blows Dunk’s mind with the Nine Kingdoms revelation, before suggesting they cross the Red Mountains and perhaps seek out a good puppet show in Dorne. That’s where Tanselle and her team fled to after the drama tent fiasco, hinting at a possible reunion.

And so we see Dunk and Egg ride off down a muddy track, a green field stretching out next to them.

Just behind and to the left rides Ser Arlan.

For a moment you can see Dunk’s head turn to the left, just as the ghostly Pennytree pulls his steed away into the field, perpendicular to his one-time squire and his own new squire.

He was a drunk, possibly mad, definitely badass fighter with a furlong dong.

But he was, in the end, Dunk’s beloved mentor.

End credits-

-BUT WAIT!

The Targaryen contingent are moving out, a sombre lot compared to their triumphant arrival.

Aerion is sitting awkwardly in the front seat of a carriage, while Valarr and Daeron follow drearily on horseback. But something makes Maekar stop as he watches the procession.

”Where is Aegon?”

Nobody’s seen him.

“WHERE THE F*** IS HE?!?!”

After giving us an ending to prompt a lump in the throat, the show lets us laugh through the tears, first with the “A Knight of the Nine Kingdoms” title card, and then hilarity of confirmation that Egg has, in fact, f***ed off AGAIN.

The charm rating is off the scale, and what a delight and a privilege it has been to spend time in this tiny corner of Westeros, that now looms so large in our collective consciousness.

Large? Is that the right word?

No.

Tall.

Yes! Best Moments

Perhaps this is more of a vibe than a moment, but I adored seeing how absolutely physically broken everybody was. Dunk, of course, is battered; Raymun and Lyonel limp with lacerations, Aerion is totally out of it, and even Prince Meerkat is tender.

I must also make special mention of Dunk and Raymun’s brotherly embrace. As he walks through the Ren Fayre, Dunk feels accusing eyes upon him.

“Everybody blames me, don’t they?” he says meekly.

Raymun doesn’t really know what to say beyond “I don’t.” But it turns out that’s what was needed. Just one friend who still believes in your goodness can make the world a brighter place.

He then goes and wraps himself into a Dunk bear hug. Despite his somewhat toxic treatment from Ser Arlan, Dunk has not learned to avoid platonic physical affection as some kind of affront to his masculinity, and that’s always a win.

I wanted them to stay like that forever and clearly Raymun did too, as he closed his eyes and rested his head on Dunk’s meaty shoulder. Dunk literally had to peel the apple off his blood-stained shirt.

Zing! Best Lines

“Do you want a clout in the ear?”

The callback to those early hours of their acquaintance as the pair rode out of town reset Dunk and Egg’s relationship. There’s no denying who has the power - it’s bloody Egg of course, that precocious scamp. But his love and respect for Dunk is undeniable, and we know they are bound forever now.

Ew, gross

Lord Lyonel must have taken a few knocks to the kidneys given how he strained to urinate into Dunk’s bathing stream. I also noticed they kept his light hidden under a bushel, aka his cloak. No Pennytree prosthetics here.

Boo, sucks

WHERE WAS STEELY PATE?!?! I would have liked to have seen that lovely fellow one last time. After all, we saw Dunk’s shield broken. Surely Steely Pate must have had to fix it for him? So much for oak and iron, guard me well.

Also I have to admit to feeling very sorry for George R.R. Martin right now. I can see wags on the internet throwing that “A good knight always finishes a story” line at him ad infinitum now. “Where’s The Winds of Winter, George? Finish the books, George! Stop creating new shows and plays and give us the better ending of Game of Thrones, George! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE SOON, GEORGE!”

Let’s make a collective decision to retire that joke. It’s unworthy of us.

Let’s be Tall.

Thank you so much for reading, kittens! Remember you can find my Patreon here should you wish to support this writing. A huge thank you to my wonderful existing subscribers - I couldn’t do it without you.